He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
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