Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
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