it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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