My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Randomize
