On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Randomize
