I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
