at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
