I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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