last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Houston, we have a blender
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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