ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
