i need an iv and a liver transplant
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
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