Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
