Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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