It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
