I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Randomize
