I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
