btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
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I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
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I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
These tits shall not be calmed
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
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