she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
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