I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."