I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
21 Porn Stars Confess What Sex Is Really Like On Set
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
19 People That Found Pubes In All The Wrong Places
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.