This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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