i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
it glows. i had to have it.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Randomize
