if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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