I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
