i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Randomize
