when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
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