I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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