i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Randomize
