Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Randomize
