I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
