Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
