I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
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