life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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