the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
