My liver just broke up with me...
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
