YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
Randomize
