are you still at the devil's house?
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
