every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
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