she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
