my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Randomize
