sooooo how many boyfriends is too many?
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
