Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
