just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Randomize
