you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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