if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
All the doctor said was why
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
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