I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Randomize
