Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
Did you pee in the oven last night??
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