and my herpes radar will keep us safe
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
