Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
