oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Randomize
