Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Randomize
