so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
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