When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
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