Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
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