I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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