I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
