Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize
