my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Randomize
