I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize
